Choice Between two Wrong Answers

A friend reached out with her story and I penned it, rather I typed it and so here it goes….

I grew up pretty well, I was well catered for, can never say I lacked, in fact I cried after reading the story you ran about that other lady at how difficult her life was growing up. https://flashbyte.co.ke/joel_flash/2020/03/23/the-past-present-the-future-all-staring-at-me/. I can confidently say that I was raised a well rounded person but this ain’t a story about my upbringing, this is about my life choices as an adult.

After doing my stint in Nairobi I came back home, and took a job with a local company. I am pretty outgoing and sociable so making friends is not something I struggle with. I Met this guy at my local joint, a nice fella, a gentleman at that. He was married though, not the church married kind but he was staying with his woman nonetheless. She has my full attention at this particular moment, not because of having an affair with a married dude but for what came next. We had a very strange relationship. He would spoil me, buy me stuff, send me cash, drop me home and do anything I requested of him basically but for one thing… We never had sex! I am forced to ask Cindy (not her real name), what was in it for him?? She has a good laugh at my total lack of comprehension as to why a man would use his hard earned cash and not claim the spoils of war.

It was a perfect arrangement for me Joel! I mean, you are spoiled silly and all you have to give away is your time. He started getting reckless though, he would get affectionate in public, not that I cared, but I wondered if he cared about news of him frolicking out here getting home. Seems like he didn’t, he would kiss me right in front of his friends on a night out. I started plotting my out when he started rumbling things like; I no longer love my wife, I am planning to leave my wife for you and so on… I mean he was a nice guy and all but marriage was not something I was down for at that particular moment. I am particularly good at sabotaging relationships so I started to engineer how to tank this one.

Lucky me or unlucky me, depends on how you look at it, the wife was expectant and I was ghosted ( If you are not familiar with this term, young folk completely shut you out of their life, that’s ghosting) when she delivered. I can attribute this to the excitement of a first born or something. Anyways during the ghosting period, I hooked up with Brian ( not his real name). This was just meant to be a rebound relationship to help me get things off my mind and stuff only for me to get pregnant two months in. I was devastated! I mean ( I notice she uses “I mean” a lot haha) of all the guys I could get pregnant with, it just had to be this one!? 

I am tempted to ask, what was wrong with this one but she is on a roll and  I figure that is the whole point of why we are having this conversation, so I let go.

I struggled with how to even break the news to him. While at the hospital where I refused the nurses testing my pee, blood test only! Because I wanted to be 100% sure I was knocked up. I sent a picture of the test kit. His response baffled me, especially in hindsight. He was excited about it and was even coming up with names two days later!

It was one of those pregnancies! I was on meds all the damn time, gynaecologist was ever on call! I would call him 3.00 am and he would answer. My frequent visits to the hospital became an issue with Brian. “People carry pregnancies all the damn time, what’s so special about yours!?” He would retort. I didn’t need this kind of drama honestly, so I would just let him run his mouth because he honestly had the option of accompanying me to one of the clinic visits and find out for himself but that was totally out of question. I somehow managed to tell my mother at 2 months in the pregnancy. Besides the usual concern of my wellbeing, she now wanted to meet my soon to be baby daddy! An Insanely touchy feely subject with Brian. When I told him my mother wanted to meet him, just so she knows him in the event that they ever meet out there, he retorted “Who says I want to marry you??” Dude, this is not an official invite into our homestead, for all I care you can meet by the roadside! I thought to myself and to avoid unnecessary confrontation I kept quiet.

Remember my Ex platonic lover (let’s call him Martin) who had ghosted me? Well, three Months into the pregnancy he resurfaced with all manner of excuses, the baby excitement had subsided I believe. I am over here thinking, what to deal with, the delinquent that did knock me up or someone else’s husband not so sure with what he wants exactly? Without sugar coating I texted him, I am pregnant and it’s not yours. Thirty minutes later he was at my home, slung all manner of words at me, how and where I had the audacity to cheat on him while he was busy making arrangements for “us”. You cannot Imagine how incredulous he sounded, because from where I was standing this was a perfect out for him, no explanations needed.

Martin was extra angry at me, I simply had to ask, two years of us relating you’ve never touched me, how do you figure I took care of my needs? You will not believe his answer Joel, guy goes like, I was planning something special for us and didn’t want to spoil anything by us engaging prematurely! I should be the  father of your baby Cindy! He went ahead and prophesied doom over my new relationship saying it was bound to nowhere. I was stung, not by what he was saying but hearing it come from him! The sheer absurdity. Incessant calls and texts ensued for a couple of days but slowly died off and I was finally left to face my pregnancy and Brian.

The fourth month was eventless, save for one fine evening a (male) friend had asked me out for dinner. While into it, Brian calls and asks where I am, I tell him. He hangs up, shortly after my mother calls, that she just talked to Brian who was inconsolable! Same mum he had refused to meet. That he is stressed out by my actions. I promise to check up on him once done with my dinner. So I swing by his place, dude Is wasted and with that the confidence to air some of the things he had been holding back. “You’ve been sleeping around with different men Cindy and therefore this baby can’t be mine! In Fact, what you should do is seal your legs tight, carry this pregnancy to term and then afterwards you can entertain as many men as you want”. 

This is how you feel? I asked him, okay fine then, I will walk away now. Just assume that your pull out game was on point that day or that you used a condom. I left, text messages followed, very Insolent messages. You are a whore and you should at least calm down during the pregnancy. Now remember all this time he has not spent a single dime in support. Sickly as I was, forking out up-to Kes 15,000 every month on all manner of drugs to keep me going.

At this point I have to ask, Women always have the ability to gauge if one is a stand up dude or not, why didn’t you just go screw Martin and plant the pregnancy on him? Or at the back of your mind did you feel or think that the pregnancy news will change him? At this moment I was beating myself up over a host of other things, including the fact that I allowed myself to have unprotected sex with this guy. Why I was going to have a kid out of the family set up, so NO, clandestine thoughts of planting  pregnancies to unsuspecting ex lovers did not cross my mind.

When he sobered up, he was profuse with apologies. I was mostly ambivalent about anything coming from him. Six months into the pregnancy I tried to talk him into meeting any member of his family. That was thwarted by all manner of excuses. Money being the chief reason, which was quite Ironic given that he would splurge upto fifteen thousands on a night out with his cronies. Sometimes he would feel guilty or something….. Like this particular moment he sent me on a fool’s errand in the name of apartment hunting. We are moving in together, he said. For reasons unbeknownst to me I played along. Dude sends me Kes 15,000 which I use to make  the deposit. Then immediately afterwards it became cat and mouse games. Eventually he said something unfortunate like, the only reason I felt pressured to get us a house was because you kept pressing me about meeting your folks and I didn’t want to seem like I can’t take care of business. I recovered the 15k from the landlady after giving her some sorry excuse on why we couldn’t move in. Six months pregnant, that became Brian’s biggest contribution towards our unborn baby.

I am stressed out at this point, just listening to all the false starts. There is more, I deliberately left out because as a reader you’ve caught the drift. That Martin was right… this ship was going to wreck. Not sure if this was a split personality disorder thing going on here or what, because out of the blues Brian says, tell your parents I will be coming over the weekend. This was a Friday and the D day is slated for next Saturday. Come Thursday, Brian goes like lets postpone this, I don’t have enough cash for this. You should have seen me Joel. I was scarlet red! I exploded with anger and gave him my mind, everything I had been holding back. I even told him don’t worry about feeding my people I will cover your spineless ass. I have no money at this point Joel, I had already quit my job. God bless mobile money lending providers, they came through for me in a big way.

Come Saturday, I am all panicky because given who I am dealing with, he might be a no show. He did come alright, drunk and accompanied by drunk friends. A moment after they settle in two more cars of even way more drunk friends waltz in. Luckily I had borrowed enough from KCB Mshwari and food was in plenty. Now Mum asks me if any of the people in his entourage is a family member, I say no. She’s like; that’s not proper Cindy. I turn around and tell her, Mum  you wanted to meet him, well here he is. I cared less about the optics, I just wanted it over and done with. So much of this tomfoolery ensued, If we were not fighting about this, it was the other. I can’t go into the specifics because this story will never end. So come delivery time, my appointed time did not become due as planned. By the time I was due my gynaecologist was out of town. At this point we are simply not talking completely! I was done with his bullshit. Now remember given all the complications I had faced through the pregnancy it was recommended I go for an elective cesarean section.

A small recon of the facilities around capable of handling a CS made me realize private facilities were not an option. So I ended up at the Bungoma District hospital. I was under the care of a nurse who was my Mum’s friend. I had defied my gynaecologist direction of a CS and decided to go the natural way. Good lord I was In labor for 36 hours, till I couldn’t push any more. Tired as I was, I could hear the nurses conversing in hushed tones ominously. One male nurse on internship finally broke rank and decided to tell me to prepare for the worst. Chances were I might lose my baby. Mum came by but was waylaid by the nurses. Eventually the surgeon on duty showed up and the cesarean procedure was performed. I think they got the baby’s pulse or something because I remember them saying go resuscitate this one.

I would like to regal you with the intricacies of the delivery, however something noteworthy happened. My mother went out of her way and told Brian I had delivered. He showed up with his younger sister. Held the baby playfully for a few and eventually left. I don’t remember uttering even a single word to him. I was bereft of any courtesies towards him. Next day Brian’s mother comes visiting, a total stranger to me, I don’t think I have ever been in a more mechanical conversation than this one.

I was discharged and I started my life as a new Mum. Two months after delivery, tired with his questions about the well being of the baby I forced him to tag along one of my clinic visits. The pediatrician delayed and in a bid to kill time he suggested we swing by his place. I had a minor debate in my head but decided you know what, let me do this, I want to confirm if they are all knuckleheads or what is going on over there…. That’s how we shocked the rest of the family who were not expecting us in the first place! The silver lining being me getting to meet the brother who turns out, is his complete opposite. We got acquainted, exchanged numbers and have been a pillar in the growth of my baby than Brian has ever been.

I feel distraught just listening to this tale so far, because I am a parent to a 3 year old handful and the very thought of raising him all by myself without the support from the mother makes my skin crawl. I am not done with her yet…I have some final questions concerning her present state of mind and plans for the future. Joel I already wronged my little boy by bringing him into this world under these circumstances. I don’t like it, but it has already happened and to answer your earlier question of how I named him. I did name him after the father and I must admit it was the biggest sacrifice I have ever made towards this whole thing. 

I however keep reminding myself that I will never change the fact that Brian is my baby’s father and I will give him as many chances as possible for him to ever develop a relationship with his son. Her voice clicks with a tinge forlornness as she says these words and my heart simply goes out to her. She is very articulate and due to our familiarity and the general easiness of our exchange it would have been quite easy for me to miss this….

Anyways I met someone else, I even made Brian aware that he can see the baby if he wants but I am moving on. Like Martin, he did not miss the chance to prophesy doom on how we will break up and how he will be there to pick up the pieces. By the way he has been quite remorseful lately, even before I told him news of my moving on, been trying to do right but I know better.

How is the new guy? He is amazing! Nothing like Brian but I am scared of being in a relationship with him. I am confused by the last statement… See, I feel like my entire sense of being is being derived from how he sees me. I seek a lot of validation from him and that makes me very uncomfortable. Oh that plus the fact that, it goes without saying that, the very fact that he is selflessly taking the responsibility of helping raise my baby, that he will want his own soon and am not in that space whatsoever. I attribute this to the excitement he had when we had a pregnancy scare and I just had to seat him down and spell the situation to him, both medical and psychological.

The interview ends there, I am happy that she has something new and exciting going on. Someone with the emotional maturity and the ability to understand that she comes in a package that includes Brian. I wish her good tidings as God knows she needs it. As we part ways I am left thinking about it all but this is not an opinion piece so I will leave you to it in the comment section. A word of encouragement or advice…

What is your experience with business? Ongoing or otherwise…. Drop a comment below or email joelmukoma@flashbyte.co.ke cc j.mukoma@gmail.com